Monthly Archives: January 2012

[Classic] Dave Barry

“It is important to have a sensible, long-term eating regimen and realistic dietary goals. I myself was on a sensible long-term eating regimen until nearly 10:30 this morning, when I finally achieved my dietary goal of locating where my wife … Continue reading

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[Classic] Dave Barry

“HOW TO GET YOUR BODY BACK INTO SHAPE AFTER CHILDBIRTH THE WAY ALL THE TAUT-BODIED ENTERTAINMENT PERSONALITIES SUCH AS JANE FONDA┬áDO: Don’t kid yourself. Those women have never had babies. Their children were all born[e] by professional stunt women.”

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[Classic] Dave Barry

“Let’s talk about the incredible convenience of cell phones, especially for motorists. Years ago, when you were driving, you wasted your time on such [non-productive] activities as listening to the radio, steering, etc. But now, using your cell phone [which, … Continue reading

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[Classic] Dave Barry

“I am in favor of the elderly. You hear a lot of talk these days about how the government cannot afford to keep giving more and more billions of dollars in Medicare and Social Security benefits to the elderly, especially … Continue reading

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[Classic] Dave Barry

“Polite cigar smokers (and there are many) refrain from lighting up where others will unwillingly smell their smoke. But there seems to be a growing group of people…let’s reach deep into our bag of euphemisms and call them ‘jerks’…who enjoy … Continue reading

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[Classic] Dave Barry

“Children’s birthday party serving suggestion: If you’re running behind schedule, you may save yourself time by bypassing the children and rubbing the fudge sauce directly onto the drapes.”

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[Classic] Dave Barry

“Whales are mammals; they have feelings and can talk to each other, just like you and me. The only difference between whales and humans is that whales mate for life.”

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[Classic] Dave Barry

“The people at Philip Morris Corp. are calling their new brand of cigarettes “Dave’s,” because they think the name “Dave” sounds trustworthy and non-corporate. This is pretty funny when you consider that Philip Morris is the world’s largest tobacco company … Continue reading

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