[Classic] Dave Barry

“During the 1998 Olympics in Japan, at the Zenjoki Temple in Nagano, there were quite a few people buying charms and trinkets that were supposed to bring good luck or predict the future. I bought a future-predicting charm for 300 yen ([then] one yen is equal to $11.50, at least for the purposes of my expense report). The way it worked was, you reached into one of five bins, depending on your blood type, and you pulled out a charm that told your fortune. My charm was a little golden rake, but I didn’t understand my fortune because it was written in Japanese. I’m guessing it means either ‘Great Prosperity’ or ‘Death by Gardening Implement’.”

[Classic] Dave Barry

“AT THE SINGLES BAR, WHAT THE WOMAN SHOULD DO IF SHE IS NOT INTERESTED: If subtlety doesn’t work, [and] if the man turns out to be the type who views himself as such an extreme Stud Muffin that he cannot imagine a woman who would not want to conceive a child via him, then the woman should take a more direct approach, such as Mace.”

[Classic} Dave Barry

“The exhaust system is located under your car, smeared with roadkill. From time to time you should hose it down or drive briskly through a wading pool.”

[Classic] Dave Barry

“Albert Einstein, the brilliant physicist, not only invented the White Guy Afro haircut, but also discovered the Theory of Decade Relativity, which states: ‘Each decade goes exactly twice as fast as the decade before.’ This is why so much more seemed to happen in the sixties than the seventies, and why your only truly enduring memory of the eighties, when all is said and done, will be Tammy Faye Bakker.”

[Classic] Dave Barry (I was going to post this in the morning, but it’s TOO good to wait…)

“Aspirin bottles defend themselves against consumer access via a multilevel security system:

(1) There is a plastic wrapper to keep you from getting at the cap.

(2) The cap, which is patented by the Rubik’s Cube Company, cannot be removed unless you line an invisible arrow up with an invisible dot while rotating the cap counterclockwise and simultaneously pushing down and pulling up.

(3) In the unlikely event that you get the cap off, the top of the bottle is blocked by a taut piece of extremely feisty foil [comedic emphasis added] made from the same impenetrable material used to protect the Space Shuttle during atmospheric reentry.

(4) Underneath the foil is a virtually unremovable wad of cotton the size of a small sheep.”

(I’m glad I didn’t wait ’til tomorrow morning…now I can go to bed chuckling…)

[Classic] Dave Barry

“Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.* A dogsled is…follow me carefully here…a sled that is pulled by dogs. And if you think that dogs are not strong enough to pull a sled, then you have never been walking a dog on a leash when a squirrel ran past. Even a small dog in this situation will generate one of the most powerful forces known to modern science. In some squirrel-infested areas, it is not at all unusual to see a frantically barking dog racing down the street, wearing a leash that is attached to a bouncing, detached arm.”

(*Fragrant, no less. Love it!)

[Classic] Dave Barry (re. Presidents’ Day…I know, I know…this one’s a tad late)

“As a youth, George Washington threw a cherry tree across the Delaware. Later he got wooden teeth and was chosen to represent Virginia at the Continental Congress…a group of colonists who wanted to revolt against the King because he made them wear wigs and tights. They chose Washington to lead their army because he was strong and brave and not in the room at the time. Washington became the Father of Our Country. That is why each year on a Monday somewhere around his birthday we have major-appliance sales oriented toward government employees.”

(Have to admit: It’s funny whether it’s “on time” or not!)