shacoyo

[Classic] Dave Barry (re. Presidents’ Day…I know, I know…this one’s a tad late)

shacoyo — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 23:15:21 +0000

“As a youth, George Washington threw a cherry tree across the Delaware. Later he got wooden teeth and was chosen to represent Virginia at the Continental Congress…a group of colonists who wanted to revolt against the King because he made them wear wigs and tights. They chose Washington to lead their army because he was strong and brave and not in the room at the time. Washington became the Father of Our Country. That is why each year on a Monday somewhere around his birthday we have major-appliance sales oriented toward government employees.”

(Have to admit: It’s funny whether it’s “on time” or not!)

Since I am a Nevada geek…this is a [Classic] Dave Barry that I MUST share…now…

shacoyo — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 22:50:04 +0000

“It’s very difficult to resist slot machines, and Las Vegas [or Laughlin...or Stateline...or...???] [are] designed so that you can’t walk anywhere without encountering dozens of them. If you got seriously injured in Las Vegas [or Laughlin...or Stateline...or...???], and medical personnel rushed you to the hospital, I bet they’d wheel your stretcher past a row of slot machines on the way to the operating room. And even if your arm had become detached, it would leap off the stretcher by itself and yank on a handle. Such is the power of the slots [in Vegas, Laughlin, Stateline or...anywhere NEVADA)."

(I [pretty much] know this to be a fact.)

[Classic] Dave Barry

shacoyo — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 22:00:08 +0000

“How important, really, are abdominal muscles? I mean, I’m sure they serve some medical function, such as keeping your intestines from falling into your lap, but do they have to be HUGE? Do these people who spend [17] hours a day building up their abdominals ever actually use them for any practical purpose? If so, what? Moving furniture? (‘Okay, Tad, you push your awesome stomach muscles against THAT end of the bureau, and I’ll push mine against THIS end, and we’ll just … huh! It’s not moving!’)”

[Classic] Dave Barry

shacoyo — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 23:08:15 +0000

I know, folks, “[Classic] Dave Barry” is perhaps becoming a pain in your _ _ _ (and I’ll add an extra _, just in case you opt for the more gentle of the two), but [to me] he’s one of the best, most prolific, and cynically funny writers alive today…so…here we go with another one of his classics (thank goodness, I selected HIM as my desk calendar this year):

“In 1513, change came to Miami with the arrival of the Spanish explorer that we now know as Juan Ponce de Leon (literally, “John Punched the Lion”)…[de Leon] was searching for the mythical Fountain of Youth, of which it was said that if you took one drink you would have eternal youth, or at least acne. He did not find the Fountain of Youth (which we now know is located in Davenport, Iowa), but eventually he did stumble upon Parrot Jungle, where he was pecked to death by hostile unicycle-riding cockatoos.”

[Classic] Dave Barry (you just gotta read his philosophy on this one!)

shacoyo — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:52:55 +0000

“An example of American inventiveness is ‘Buffalo-style’ chicken wings. For many years, nobody ate chicken wings, and for a good reason: they are inedible. They are essentially meat-free bones. You might as well chew on a plate of toenails. [Eeeeuwwwww!] But one day a shrewd restaurant owner came up with the idea of serving the wings ‘Buffalo-style,’ which means ‘to people who have been drinking beer.’ Today, ‘Buffalo-style’ chicken wings are served in restaurants all over the nation: The waitperson brings out a plate of bones, the customers gnaw on them for a while, and then the waitperson takes them back to the kitchen, where they’re run through the dishwasher and placed on a plate for the next set of customers to gnaw on.”

[Yet another reason why I'm glad that I'm a vegetarian!]

[Classic] Dave Barry (Happy Valentine’s Day)

shacoyo — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 01:21:18 +0000

“WHAT WOMEN WANT: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held.

WHAT MEN WANT: Tickets for the World Series.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

[Classic] Dave Barry

shacoyo — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:07:51 +0000

“ASK MR. LANGUAGE PERSON

Q. When’s it okay to say ‘between you and I’?

A. It is correct in the following instance: ‘Well, just between you and I, the cosmetic surgeon took enough cellulite out of her upper arms to raft down the Colorado River on.’”

[And, OMG, he also ended the sentence with a preposition!]

Book Recommendations (Robert Crais & Harlan Coben) + Movie Recommendation (Janet Evanovich)

shacoyo — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 03:24:19 +0000

First, the movie: Last Sunday I went to see ONE FOR THE MONEY, which is based on Janet Evanovich’s series of books about Stephanie Plum, the bounty hunter. I’m currently reading #17…will get #18 when it’s released in paperback (or a tad less costly for downloading on my Nook, whichever comes first). Anyhow, I am a HUGE Evanovich/Plum fan, so the movie worked for me…if you are, too, I suggest you might enjoy seeing it as well.

So, what does this have to do with my two book recommendations? Well, after the movie and lunch, I HAD [had] to just “stop by Barnes & Noble and browse” before coming home…NO purchasing…just browsing! Yeah, right. Turn me loose in a bookstore, and it’s a given that I will NOT leave the store without having purchased at least ONE book. Fortunately, this “stop by” was no different.

Needless to say, I was delighted to see that two of my favorite authors’ books have been released in paperback. Not able to decide which one to get, I made the only logical selection possible…yes, I purchased them both…a GREAT decision on my part (so much for the “just browsing” part of my story, eh?).

If you’re a fan, THE SENTRY (2011) by Robert Crais brings us another GREAT novel featuring Joe Pike (I just love this guy!), who eventually brings in his partner, Elvis Cole, to help him with “…a backstabbing, double-triple-cross that moves so quickly even Pike has trouble keeping up with who’s on what side.” [Houston Press] It behooves me to copy that from the back cover because the Press described the plot far better than I can even attempt.

My second purchase, MIRACLE CURE by Harlan Coben, is the third book I am reading. Coben is a recently-discovered author for me; this book was apparently initially released in 1991 and is now back in print…thank goodness! After reading the first 115 pages, I can see why. Super plot: Doctors at a clinic in Manhattan think they have found the cure for AIDS…some of their patients are getting well; others are being targeted by a serial killer.

Hope you see the movie AND read both books. I’m 99.999% positive you’ll be glad you did.

[Classic] Dave Barry

shacoyo — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 20:02:47 +0000

“Americans did very little ski jumping until the television program Wide World of Sports began showing a promotional film snippet in which a ski jumper hurtles off the edge of the chute, completely out of control, with various important organs flying out of his body. Fitness buffs saw this and realized that any activity with such great potential for being fatal must be very good for you.”

TWO…yes…(2)…[Classic] Dave Barry[s]

shacoyo — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:21:15 +0000

Could NOT wait to share either of these until tomorrow…so you get ‘em both today…

(1) “I’m assuming that you’re like most of us Boomers in the sense that, musically, you have always considered yourself to be a Major Hipster. Why not ? Hey, we were frontline troops in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Revolution, right? We knew the dirty words to ‘Louie Louie,’ including the ones that didn’t exist. We knew the Beach Boys when they could sing and Elvis when he was alive the first time.”

(2) “My son got his ear pierced. He’s twelve. For twelve years I worked hard to prevent him from developing unnatural bodily holes, then he went out and got one on purpose. At a shopping mall. It turns out that minors can have their earlobes assaulted with sharp implements by shopping-mall-booth personnel who, for all we know, have received no more formal medical training than is given to burrito folders at Taco Bell.”