[Classic] Dave Barry (re. Presidents’ Day…I know, I know…this one’s a tad late)

“As a youth, George Washington threw a cherry tree across the Delaware. Later he got wooden teeth and was chosen to represent Virginia at the Continental Congress…a group of colonists who wanted to revolt against the King because he made them wear wigs and tights. They chose Washington to lead their army because he was strong and brave and not in the room at the time. Washington became the Father of Our Country. That is why each year on a Monday somewhere around his birthday we have major-appliance sales oriented toward government employees.”

(Have to admit: It’s funny whether it’s “on time” or not!)

Since I am a Nevada geek…this is a [Classic] Dave Barry that I MUST share…now…

“It’s very difficult to resist slot machines, and Las Vegas [or Laughlin...or Stateline...or...???] [are] designed so that you can’t walk anywhere without encountering dozens of them. If you got seriously injured in Las Vegas [or Laughlin...or Stateline...or...???], and medical personnel rushed you to the hospital, I bet they’d wheel your stretcher past a row of slot machines on the way to the operating room. And even if your arm had become detached, it would leap off the stretcher by itself and yank on a handle. Such is the power of the slots [in Vegas, Laughlin, Stateline or...anywhere NEVADA)."

(I [pretty much] know this to be a fact.)

[Classic] Dave Barry

“How important, really, are abdominal muscles? I mean, I’m sure they serve some medical function, such as keeping your intestines from falling into your lap, but do they have to be HUGE? Do these people who spend [17] hours a day building up their abdominals ever actually use them for any practical purpose? If so, what? Moving furniture? (‘Okay, Tad,  you push your awesome stomach muscles against THAT end of the bureau, and I’ll push mine against THIS end, and we’ll just … huh! It’s not moving!’)”

[Classic] Dave Barry

I know, folks, “[Classic] Dave Barry” is perhaps becoming a pain in your _ _ _ (and I’ll add an extra _, just in case you opt for the more gentle of the two), but [to me] he’s one of the best, most prolific, and cynically funny writers alive today…so…here we go with another one of his classics (thank goodness, I selected HIM as my desk calendar this year):

“In 1513, change came to Miami with the arrival of the Spanish explorer that we now know as Juan Ponce de Leon (literally, “John Punched the Lion”)…[de Leon] was searching for the mythical Fountain of Youth, of which it was said that if you took one drink you would have eternal youth, or at least acne. He did not find the Fountain of Youth (which we now know is located in Davenport, Iowa), but eventually he did stumble upon Parrot Jungle, where he was pecked to death by hostile unicycle-riding cockatoos.”

[Classic] Dave Barry (you just gotta read his philosophy on this one!)

“An example of American inventiveness is ‘Buffalo-style’ chicken wings. For many years, nobody ate chicken wings, and for a good reason: they are inedible. They are essentially meat-free bones. You might as well chew on a plate of toenails. [Eeeeuwwwww!] But one day a shrewd restaurant owner came up with the idea of serving the wings ‘Buffalo-style,’ which means ‘to people who have been drinking beer.’ Today, ‘Buffalo-style’ chicken wings are served in restaurants all over the nation: The waitperson brings out a plate of bones, the customers gnaw on them for a while, and then the waitperson takes them back to the kitchen, where they’re run through the dishwasher and placed on a plate for the next set of customers to gnaw on.”

[Yet another reason why I'm glad that I'm a vegetarian!]

[Classic] Dave Barry (Happy Valentine’s Day)

“WHAT WOMEN WANT: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held.

WHAT MEN WANT: Tickets for the World Series.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

[Classic] Dave Barry

“ASK MR. LANGUAGE PERSON

Q. When’s it okay to say ‘between you and I’?

A. It is correct in the following instance: ‘Well, just between you and I, the cosmetic surgeon took enough cellulite out of her upper arms to raft down the Colorado River on.’”

[And, OMG, he also ended the sentence with a  preposition!]